I travel a fair amount. 100-150 thousand miles a year and I'm closing in on my half million mark (not including all the garbage miles I've flown with Southwest). I've flown in prop planes over Uruguayan villages and the Airbus 380 over the Pacific. I've sat in every row on a plane and I've seen, heard, and smelt all types of people do all manner of things. I'm telling you this not to sound pompous or grandiose (though using words like those says otherwise), I'm telling you this because if there were an Illuminati-like cult of people who defined quality airline experiences, Tom Hanks would surely pick me as a suspect.
And on that obscure reference, here are my top things to not do on a plane.
1. Don't wear your pajamas. Unless you're 9 years old or younger leave the PJs at home. Have some damn respect for yourself. This also goes for sweats with any of the following words written on the ass: Pink, Juicy, or Slut. The only reason those words are written on your pants is because "Overpriced Tacky Whore Pants" wouldn't fit.
2. Don't order shit they don't have. When the flight attendant asks you what you'd like to drink remember that the menu has the same for the past 60 years. Coffee, tea, soda, house wines, and well liquors. Know your drink and keep it quick. They don't have a kiwi juice with blueberries you dip-shit.
3. Don't pinch the middle man. No one ever chooses the middle seat. People get the middle seat because they don't fly enough and God doesn't love them. They hate the fact that they have to sit there and the only thing that could make the flight worse is if you Tony Jaa your elbow into their rib cage. Window seat leans on the wall. Aisle seat gets to stretch out one leg. Middle man gets both armrests. It's the decent thing to do.
4. Don't expose your toes. You can only take off your shoes if all of the following criteria are met. A: The flight is longer than 6 hours. B: You're wearing clean, no-hole socks. C: Your feet do not stink and D: You do not cross your legs and rub that nasty ass foot against me.
5. Don't flirt with that woman. Just because a woman is sitting next to you doesn't mean you have carte blanche privileges to chat with her about meaningless shit. You're not that good looking, you're a solid 3 and maybe a 4 if she's had a few. Let her fly in peace dammit.
6. Don't fucking recline. There are 6 inches between the back of your seat and my face and I'd rather not spend this entire flight with your skull inside my kissing zone (kissing zone is approximately 8" around my face at any time). Keep your seat up like you have a modicum of respect for your fellow travelers. If you recline your seat in front of me I will sprinkle crushed peanuts into your hair.
7. Don't eat beef jerky, tuna, fast food, or anything else that smells like a goat's rectum. These types of foods are meant to be eaten at home. In a corner, alone, crying, and watching Friends reruns.
8. Don't applaud. The pilots can't fucking hear you and landing the plane was what they're paid to do. It's not Broadway. No one dressed as a cat, Tevye wasn't playing his fiddle on the wing, you didn't hear a single ABBA song, and no one on the flight happened to be a disfigured musical genius obsessed with a soprano at a Paris opera house [I recognize I'm stretching the references a bit].
With all that said (finally), here is the list of things you should do on a plane.
1. Drink a bourbon.
2. Tip the flight attendant.
3. Buy drinks for your row.
4. Read a book (paper, not Kindle)
5. Dress like an adult.
6. Drink another bourbon.
7. Tip the flight attendant again.
8. Buy drinks for your row again.
9. Skip the meal.
10. Brush your teeth, wash your face, and put on deodorant 30 minutes before boarding and landing.